


Playdate

by Anonymous_Creator



Category: Critical Role (Web Series) RPF
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Implied Relationships, Implied/Referenced BDSM, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Panic Attacks, Rating: PG13, Triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-09
Updated: 2019-01-09
Packaged: 2019-10-07 10:10:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,771
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17364023
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anonymous_Creator/pseuds/Anonymous_Creator
Summary: Taliesin struggles with who he is now,  who he has been, and who he wants to be. And sometimes you shouldn't do that alone.





	Playdate

**Author's Note:**

> The first rule of shipping real life humans is -- don't ship the real life humans. Especially don't ship them anywhere they can SEE it. And for the good grace of green apples don't mention it in places outside of this. This is weird. You're here too, welcome to my weird, weirdling. Enjoy it, but let's respect the real life humans and keep it on the down low.
> 
> I also appreciate comments, all that being said. If you're feeling brave.

Taliesin propped his laptop open and went to check his notifications.He winced and opened his other web browser. Some websites for his hobby were a sliver of useful content wrapped around a bombardment of random and sexually posed body parts.Much of the web was playing offense when detecting aggressive ad blockers. He’d spent several weekends of free time and created a system that let him browse the kink web and not need eye bleach afterwards.

No notifications. Well. This was going to be a slow holiday break. The calendar was pretty blank too except for events that were a bit too public for him.

Damn it.

He snapped the laptop shut and leaned back on his bed. He missed the days before getting recognized at a kink event could tank more than his own career.

Wizards of the Coast had been supportive of LGBTQ. There was more inclusivity in D&D than at any point in history.And Wiz was a subsidiary of Hasbro. Like Monopoly Hasbro. My Little Pony Hasbro. Not so much into having a poster child for a major product line with floggers and gags most likely Hasbro. Let alone the number of critters who said they watched the show with their kids.

They weren’t D&D and D&D wasn’t Critical Role. And you would need to be deaf, dumb, and blind to not realize that there was some debate over who was role playing the dog and who the tail at times.

Fuck. He really needed to stretch his proverbial legs. Even his internal monologues were picking up color – “Oh God damn it.Enough is enough.”

He pushed himself off the bed and threw open his closet.

No hesitation. Not tonight. Wear what he wanted. Go where he wanted. Be who he wanted.

 

Twenty minutes later a pile of clothing lay discarded on the bed and two leather jackets haphazardly defied gravity near the edge. Taliesin sat on the floor and clutched an old, faded graphic t-shirt as he cried. One of the jackets gave up the good fight and slid off the duvet.

His phone chirped from his pocket, softly and then louder and louder until he couldn’t ignore the noise.

“Hey,” he managed, a fair approximation of himself.

“Hey. You busy at the moment?” Matt’s voice was relaxed and warm. Tal felt some of the pain uncoil itself from around his heart.

“Me? Naw. One sec.” Tal tapped speaker and mute, rapidly blew his nose and cleared his throat and then turned on the mic again. “Okay, shoot,” he said, his voice closer to normal. Tal felt the pause as Matt decided if he should acknowledge the change or not.Tal didn’t really know if he wanted Matt to say anything.

“Did I catch you at a bad time or?”

Yep. Nope. Didn’t want him to say anything. Definitely not.

“Sniffles. It’ll pass. So really, what’s up?” Tal said. He tapped mute again and scrubbed at his face with a random shirt from the pile and threw it towards the laundry basket.

“Well, we were actually sitting on some free time before our flight out to Hawaii and going down the phone tree of people who might help distract us from pre vacation nerves,” Matt said.

“You’re packed? You can’t be. You can’t possibly be.” Tal couldn’t hide the incredulity in his voice. “No one is ever done packing for Hawaii. You just keep questioning your choices and repacking once you’re done.”

“I’m as surprised as you are.”

“Tell him to get his ass over here,” Marisha said from the background.

“I’m working on it,” Matt said, his voice turned away from the phone.

Tal smiled. A tentative, precarious smile, but it felt better than sitting on the closet floor and crying. Still. “I may not be ideal pre trip company today.”

The phone was shuffled and the microphone picked up chaos. Matt shouted ‘Hey!’ and then it was Marisha talking.

“Look. I’m ordering Thai from that great place down the street. We could order Pad Se Eww five star spicy with extra tofu and just eat it all, or you could save us from ourselves. Your choice. Your conscience.”

The phone rustled again.

“Sorry about that. So. See you in thirty?” Matt had a lovely sheepishness to his voice. Tal blinked back fresh tears as he looked over the various discarded versions of himself scattered around the room.

“Yeah. See you then.”

 

It took him more like fifty minutes to get to their place. That was alright. He called the restaurant on the way and changed their order to pick up. The perplexed and then joyful look on Marisha’s face when she answered the door for their delivery was worth it.

Being called a dirty, sneaky scoundrel? Well. Bestill his devilish heart.

Matt took the bags and set them on the kitchen counter before he got his hugs.The place was nearly spotless and a stark contrast to his own messy apartment. Marisha mentioned not wanting to come home into chaos after the trip as they piled food onto plates. With a sigh they settled into the living room. Marisha undid her hair tie and toed off her socks as Matt distributed silverware and napkins.

Someone flipped on Netflix and while he’d already seen this season of Great British Bake Off it was fine. Thai and soothing accents and bad jokes in soothing British accents and ruinous attempts at some of the harder accents with mouthfuls of Thai was all fine.

And then the food was gone. Matt draped across the couch with his head in Marisha’s lap and his feet over Taliesin’s knee. Marisha lightly rubbed his temples while he told a ridiculous story about a VO session with Obsidian.It felt comfortable. Familiar.

His chest shouldn’t be tight. His head shouldn’t feel three sizes too small. These were his friends. He was okay.

“And that’s when someone made the most perfect duck sound ever,” Matt said. He wiped at his eyes as he chuckled. Marisha laughed as Matt made various ridiculous duck noises. Her hair draped down over his face when she kissed him into silence as he pretended to protest, still as a duck. A pain, dull and heavy, settled into Taliesin’s chest.

He wasn’t okay.

This isn’t a heart attack. This is anxiety. My heart is fine. I can feel my pulse. It’s steady. It’s even. I’m just paying attention to something so it’s more obvious.

His pulse thrummed. He felt it in his fingertips, his toes. He felt it in his teeth. Certainly in his chest. And he was light headed.

Stop this. Stop this now. You’re fine.

“Hey, Taliesin.” Matt’s voice, from down a tunnel that was rapidly closing around him.

“I’m okay.” His words hollow and distant.

This was ridiculous. He stood up with a simple plan. Tell them he needed some air, go walk around the block, get his head on straight.

The world got very topsy-turvy. Maybe wibbly wobbly was the better term for it. He was on the couch with a pillow under his feet. When had that happened? “You did go a little wibbly wobbly,” Marisha said. She pressed a hand against his forehead and frowned.

“You don’t feel hot. Do you want us to take you to the Urgent Care?”

Taliesin closed his eyes and sighed. For fuck’s sake. This day could hardly get any worse.

“Panic attack. Not dead yet,” he said. Easier to keep his eyes closed than see their concerned faces.

“Panic attacks usually drop you to the ground?” Matt didn’t sound convinced. Taliesin cracked open an eye to see Matt, his eyes locked with Marisha. His phone was out. His eyes looked back to the screen.

Oh. Shit.

“No, no no. No 911. No emergency.” Tal swung his legs off the couch so he was upright and tried to grab the phone out of Matt’s hand. He missed as Matt took a step back.

“The guy who ate carpet doesn’t get to make that call,” Matt said.

Taliesin didn’t like his odds. Not with that sudden influx of authority he heard in Matt’s voice.

“If I was going to eat carpet I’d like to think I’d ask nicely first.” Taliesin took Marisha’s swat on his upper arm as his due. The tension in the room went from a boil to a simmer. Worth it.

Matt looked him over. The phone bounced in his hand like a conductor’s baton. He nibbled the side of his lip for a second before he slipped the phone into his pocket and crouched in front of Taliesin. “Okay. Talk to me. Why isn’t this a run you to the doctor thing.”

Taliesin let out a shuddery breath he didn’t realize he’d been holding and ran unsteady hands over his face. Matt reached out and offered his own hands to him. Taliesin took them.

“I’m run down is all. I’m taking my meds. I’m sleeping. We’re doing okay.” He turned and watched Marisha step out of view. A moment later she half dragged, half carried an upholstered chair from the dining room next to the couch and sat with them. Matt squeezed his hands. He turned back to him.

“Right.” Just get it out and be done with it. Nothing else he could think to pin this on was going to hold up to any real scrutiny.“Um. I.” He pulled a hand away and wiped at his face again. “Damn it, this shouldn’t be so hard.”

“Do you want us to call her? Would that be better?,” Marisha asked.

His eyes opened wide for a moment. “Oh, Gods no. No. Fuck. Okay, so I haven’t had as much play time as I used to.” It sounded so absolutely, pathetically, lame like that. A kid who missed his Xbox. “It’s not even the amount of play it’s being…” he drifted off and looked out the window. Nothing but street lights and car headlamps. “It’s being free to do it at all.”

“Has your arrangement changed?” Matt seemed confused.

“No. But we did. All of us, I mean.” He encompassed the three of them with a gesture. “The whole cast.” He saw Marisha tilt her head to the side as her eyes narrowed.

“This whole thing, what we’ve become, what we’re doing. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world. We touch on so many lives, in such a meaningful way, every damn week. I can flip through three freaking binders of letters to prove it to myself if I’ve ever got any doubts.”

A gentle smile from Matt and a nod kept him talking.

“I don’t want to take any of that back. But I miss feeling free to be a normal person. Someone who can do kink things the way normal people do – with a normal amount of trepidation at being outed. Like yeah, hey, I might wreck a job, or lose kids in a divorce. That’s the level of fuckery we all kind of know we’re getting into.But Critical Role?”

A sob got past his throat and he cut it back with a clapped hand on his mouth. Marisha started towards him. His other hand held her at bay, a silent plea for space.

He took a few rough breaths before he moved his hand away. Taliesin looked back to Matt. Taliesin winced at the anticipated bruises. Matt’s hands were clasped so damn tight. And there were tears.

Oh, well done Tal. Well fucking done. They fly out in twelve hours and you’re here ensuring they’re going to be worried about you the entire fucking trip.

“This isn’t your burden to carry, damn it.” Tal nearly hopped off the couch when Marisha’s hand touched his shoulder.

“Hey. Nothing’s changed on our end, either. We never wanted you to stop being you.” She was a paragon of compassion. How did he fall in with these people? Why in the hell had they accepted him?

“You’re staying here tonight,” Matt said with unwavering firmness. Not a question. Not an offer.

Tal sighed deeply and leaned his head back to look at the ancient popcorn texture above. A hiccup of a chuckle escaped him. Something older than him to put things in perspective. “As long as you realize nothing is going to happen except me staring at this ceiling for a few hours while you sleep.”

“Then we’ll do that. But you’re not going home to stew alone feeling like this.”

Tal glance at the two of them from under his lashes. They seemed united.

“Yippie,” he said, his voice syrupy with sarcasm. “A sleepover.”

 

Normally when Taliesin ended up crashing at Marisha and Matt’s home it was due to a little too much alcohol. Being sober meant they actually gave him the option to use the pull out mattress but he waved them away, grabbed a pillow and a blanket from the closet and settled in for the night. He’d counted backward all the way from 1000 to 468 when the bedroom door opened.

Taliesin watched as Matt quietly slipped out of the bedroom. He paused for a moment to fuss with the edge of his pajama pants, still caught on his toe.The door closed without a sound and he made his way to the couch before he sat on the floor next to Taliesin’s head.One arm draped over a knee as he leaned his head next to Taliesin’s.

“So.”

“So.”

Time passed. Cars rolled down the road outside at odd intervals. Their lights bounced around the edges of the curtains and blinds. A gentle hum from the air filter was all that broke the silence. Eventually a muffled, soft snore was heard from the bedroom.

“Wanna talk?” Matt said, his voice soft and even.

“Oh woe upon me, I have funds enough to live decently in LA. I’m so put upon,” Taliesin said.

“And you’re unhappy,” Matt said.

Taliesin didn’t immediately reply.

“And it’s okay to have things and have emotions that don’t line up with the stuff you have.”

Taliesin sighed and shifted on the couch. He took the pillow, thwopped it a few times, and stuffed it back under his head.

“And you miss a version of yourself.”

“Not a version of myself,” Taliesin said, his words abrupt. He surprised himself with the speed of the denial.

“Okay. Not a version of yourself,” Matt said with smoothly.

“I am what I am. And what I am you know better than most of them.” Taliesin hated the sinking feeling in his chest, the pain that clawed at him as he thought about this.

“True.We haven’t done a club event in a long time.”

How could Matt sound so damn calm? Taliesin flipped on his side.

“It never eats at you? It never keeps you up at night?” He couldn’t hide the ache in his voice that matched his insides.

“I miss it.” Matt’s head leaned back and lightly touched Taliesin. Tal waited for more, but there wasn’t any. 

“How do you do it?,” Taliesin said.

A shrug Tal felt more than saw.

“Service is service.”

Taliesin didn’t reply. Didn’t have a reply. He sat and let time march on, pushing him, uncaring, into the future. Eventually he knew what he wanted to say.

“You think we could get away when you get back from Hawaii?”

“I’d like that.” Matt reached up behind his head and held a hand there. Taliesin grasped the hand and then gently shifted it so it lay behind Matt’s head, in the cradle of his neck.

“I’d like that too.”

They stayed there for a moment, balanced between the unsaid and everything they didn’t need to say. Taliesin squeezed Matt’s hand and released it.

“Go get some sleep. You’ve got a long day ahead of you.”

“Bossy,” Matt murmured. He turned and gave Taliesin a peck on the cheek before he pushed off the floor with a soft groan. “Remind me—” he began.

“Kneeling pad, way ahead of you,” Taliesin said without any snark. “Gods being old and kinky is an adventure.”

Matt stretched, first in a reach to the ceiling and then down to his toes, his back turned to Taliesin.Taliesin appreciated the lines of the man in a pleasant and gentle way. Nothing would happen tonight. But maybe in a week he might scratch the infernal itch.

“Sleep well.” Matt said.

“I just might.” Taliesin replied.

Matt favored him with a gentle smile before he padded back to the bedroom and shut the door softly behind him.

A playdate. Well. Maybe not the worst holiday after all.

**Author's Note:**

> Enjoy RPF? Writing RPF? Consider setting your fiction to "Only show your work to registered users" so the cast (or their neighbors, or family, or coworkers) can't easily find it.


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